If this post ends up without a title, it’s because I ended up being exhausted from the emotions in this post alone.
You’ve probably been wondering where I’ve been since I haven’t posted in a week. One was work, I mean these classes are killing me. Now Willow, Daffodil, Poppy and I study on Skype so it alleviates it slightly but we stay on those calls forever because of the amount of work for each course. Two was because I’ve been on my bed for hours, thinking too much on my life practically every day for two weeks and I’m scared of myself. Three is because I’ve been trying calm a situation which is spiraling out of control.
Let’s see how the last two weeks on my life rolled out. On Thursday, June 2nd, I found out that not only was Fall Out Boy was doing a song for the new Ghostbusters movie with Missy Elliot but also Panic! At The Disco was doing a song for Spongebob The Musical. My emo soul was very happy. Then before I went to sleep, I went I decided to pick a random book to read that night which ended up being “The Greatest: Muhammad Ali.”
Friday, I had a basic day and then Saturday morning I found out that Muhammad Ali died on the 3rd. That’s when began thinking about my life as my parents were shocked about it. The whole world was, to be honest. Sunday was a good day because Haru and I got on chatzy and talked like the good old days.
Monday, I awoke up at 9:48 am to four calls from Willow which when I answered was a multi way call. We worked on the P.E. and Health work together and Nicole suggested that we do it over Skype the next day.
Tuesday was the day the Skype calls began. Well, after I took the time to make one. When I saw the name of the conversation, I already felt like bad things was to come. It was called “Anti-Aria”. Poppy didn’t agree or disagree but Willow and I voiced our discontent with it. We just ignored it into Wednesday.
Wednesday seemed normal once again but I guess we were all unaware of what was brewing that night. Early Thursday morning around past midnight, Willow ranted on about her and Aria were not friends anymore and how she agreed with the title of the conversation. It was basically because of the constant issue of them liking the same guys and then they like Aria more than her and Aria never seeing what’s wrong with it because Willow’s always pretending she’s fine and hiding behind her image. It went to the point that it was pent up anger over several things and then they broke it off.
Daffodil and Poppy rallied behind her almost instantaneously and I quickly stated my neutrality before I could get involved because I simply HATE fights. That same Thursday, things was starting to get out of hand.Yet, that same Thursday near midnight, I needed someone to lean on. This was getting too far, too fast and no one was listening to me.
I started to drown myself in Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco memes and tumblr posts to distract myself but it was bothering me to the point I couldn’t think straight.
“Okay, I need some advice and I can’t go to, you know, anyone else about this and I feel like you’ll be the most unbiased. Can I trust you 100% not to say something to people like Aria, Willow, Daffodil, and Poppy?” I didn’t have to question it. I knew that. I had doubts they’d even answer considering I’d requested help at like 12:43 am. I was playing Fall Out Boy a little loud at that time as well but no one could hear it because they were all knocked out. Not literally, that kind of sounded like it was.
“Absolutely. What’s on your mind?”
“Are you aren’t tired or something? This will quite a while.”
My emotions swelled and I poured everything out, pretty much internally crying yet feeling just nothing outside while typing while being in a Skype call with them again.
Arco told me what I needed was space more anything else at the moment. He also didn’t understand why everyone was being so intensely hostile, to which I explained that when anyone fought in our group in was like World War. I don’t why I continued to stay in that call then.
Willow caught on to my typing progressively getting louder and asked me what I was doing.
“Oh, I’m just talk-writing.” I tripped on my words.
“Alright, spill it.” Willow frowned.
“Oh,I’m just talking to Arco. No biggie.” I said, simply.
“You aren’t saying anything ab-” Poppy was starting to ask.
“No, pshh, just talking about AP Bio, nothing else.” I rushed.
“Uh-huh. Anyways…” Daffodil continued.
I stayed mostly silent the rest that morning.
Friday afternoon, Daffodil had a long hard talk with Aria, leading to them breaking off their friendship as well. Poppy wasn’t speaking to Aria either.
Saturday morning, I found out Christina Grimmie was shot and killed at a meet and greet in Orlando and the person who shot her killed himself.
2016 is a year of taking.
The rest of Saturday was spent at Daffodil’s house studying with Willow, Poppy, Lily, Carnation, and Aster. I don’t blame Aria for not coming, it looked like we all hated her but the truth was that only half of us was blatantly clear. But then it also seemed like they were showing it off on Snapchat which Lily asked me about right after we left.
I eventually did take the space advice and ignored anyone and everyone’s calls on the rest of Saturday and Sunday, taking time to myself to think, cry, and then sit listening to music emptily.
Also, the whole being scared of myself has been deeply rooted in my lack of self-esteem. Also,my dreams are scaring me. I don’t dream often but when I do, they tend to be pretty vivid and sometimes… realistic. In fact, TOO realistic.
I’m having an scary amount of deja vu from my dreams. Several times this week I’ve been seeing things I can distinctly remember from my dreams. It’s creepy and it’s off-putting. I need to get a dream journal, write down every dream in a month, see how many actually happen and then calculate the percentage of my dreams being accurate in my life. If the dreams reach a margin within 45 to 55% or more, I’m officially hiding out for the rest of my life.
Float In The Cyber Space.